Monday, December 24, 2012

Crowded Streets

But often, in the world’s most crowded streets,
But often, in the din of strife,
There rises an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our buried life…

-Matthew Arnold, The Buried Life

Saturday, October 27, 2012


"I have loved the stars too fondly to be afraid of the night."
- Galileo Galilei

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Write One Word Over And Over

London. I was going to write England, but then London just sort of.... flowed out.  Though I love all of England, I think London is my favorite city, just because it seems like there's so much to do there. There's so much culture.

I Am One of The Searchers

I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know - unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide.
James Kavanaugh

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


On Sunday, September sixteenth, I had the best night of my life. I saw Owl City in concert.  
Kathleen and I stood in line for about an hour and a half, waiting to get in. It was general admission, so we were a bit antsy, hoping to get in and get a good spot. They finally let us in at 6:30, and we went in, and went right up to the front. We were pretty far back in the line, so we were surprised that we were able to be so close to the stage. Had there actually been seats, we would have been about the third row- and by the end of the night, everyone was so packed together, we would have been second row!
Action Item was the opening act. I'd never heard of them before, but now, their album is on my most played list on iTunes.

Anthony explaining how they get way too into playing music and make weird faces, and so they were going to pose as "true rockstars" so they wouldn't look silly.

Action Item posing as "true rockstars."

Marching Band... My new favorite song.

Then, the stage went dark, and the room went silent.

Adam comes out, and I died.

It's a scientific fact that Adam Young is the most gorgeous man on the face of the Earth.

"Here's a song for the shy boys and the pretty girls!"

During Fireflies, Adam stopped singing, and held the mic out to the audience. It was one of the coolest moments of the night.

Adam and Breanne Duren. I probably love her almost as much as him. All of my favorite songs are his duets with her.

She was actually the cutest thing. She was smiling the entire time, like she was so happy to be there, and couldn't believe it.

It was so surreal, being surrounded by people who love Adam's music just as much as I do; It was like we were a family, as cheesy as that sounds.

"I left my heart in Columbus!" -Adam Young

After the concert, Kathleen and I got pictures and autographs from Anthony...


And this guy we met outside, Troy Williams, who we met when we were in line. He had us listen to some of his music (which is under the name Escaping Juliet), and it was actually really good! I got his autograph for when he's big and famous!

It was by far the best night of my life. It was so magical, and I can't wait until I get the chance to see him again.

Monday, September 10, 2012

It Gets Better

I was rerouted today after someone decided today was the day to cut his life short and jump off the sixth floor of a building. 
Bukowski wrote, “there is a loneliness in this world so great… people so tired, mutilated either by love or no love” – for the man who jumped today, his invisible agony had reached an unbearable level. I won’t pretend that I knew what this man was going through and I’d like to believe that there is something someone could have done to stop him in that moment, but I can’t be certain there was. 
What I do know, though, is that everything affects everything. Everything you say and do- the way you can hurt the ones you love when you don’t truly mean to, the way you can make someone feel so little by calling them just one word, the way you can set up unreasonable expectations for mere mortals. 
Just be aware of that, everyday be conscious of those around you and how your words and actions can affect someone who may very well already have their mind set on jumping out that open window. Sometimes it takes very few words or a very small gesture to remind someone that there is goodness beyond this hell, that the fight to live is worth it, even if that may be just a temporary fix.
Each of us has not only the power to take a life, but also the power to restore a life.

In honor of Suicide Awareness Day, please know that you are loved and there is hope for you. If you are feeling completely lost in life, just know that things will get better. I know that is a phrase used quite often and when you are at your lowest it is hard to believe it, but please just know that it does. If you are reading this, I promise you now and forever, that I will always be here for you if you need someone to talk to. I can help you get the help you need or be that person you can trust to talk to. Just please promise me you won’t leave this world because it is not your time and you have a long and beautiful life to live still.

Lifeline- Suicide Awareness Day 2012


I don’t look down, not yet. The wind is blowing my hair across my forehead, and my fingers are locked tight around the railing behind me. I shuffle my feet, careful not to step too far; the tips of my toes hang off the ledge. I swallow hard, the lump in my throat making it hard to breathe.

I’ve had the most amazing life. My parents are supportive of everything I do, we’ve got a nice house, I’m good at school, I’ve got everything I could ever want. I’ve been able to do what I love every day of my life, but lately, it just isn’t enough. The pressure is too much. I have to hide my hurt, pain and fears on a daily basis, both from strangers and the people I love.

I’m not strong enough anymore. I can’t keep pretending.

The worst part is, I’ve been so lucky. I have an incredible life, much better than so many other people’s lives, so I can’t complain. No one would understand. They’d see me as self absorbed, conceited, arrogant, all because I’m well off and they don’t understand that I feel pain too.

I’m just so tired of being tired all the time. I never get a moment to myself, and I always have to be wearing a smile and acting happy, or people would say I’m just looking for attention.

I just can’t do this anymore. It’s too much. I wish I could tell my friends that it’s not their fault, make sure my mom knows I love her, tell the world that it’s nothing they could have done, because it’s all my fault.

I hear shrieks below me, and I glance down. I see a woman pointing up towards me, her hand covering her mouth while she screams.

“Call the police!”

“He’s going to jump!”

“What room is he in?”

“Get him down!”

It’s now or never. Jump, or suffer the misery.

The doorman to the hotel is clearing people away from the building; more people are staring and screaming.

The height makes my head spin and I glance back over my shoulder. The doors leading from my hotel room onto the balcony are swung open, the curtains blowing in the breeze.

The hotel phone rings, starling me, and I almost lose my grip on the railing.

I refocus on my mission, and glance down again. Below me is the city street, cement and asphalt, ready to embrace me as I leap to my death.

The door to my hotel room slams open. “Hey, some guys going to jump off- Cole?” My best friend’s voice pierces my trance. My head whips around, and I see Luke standing in the doorway, the door swinging shut behind him. His face is covered in shock and disbelief.

“What are you doing?”

I turn my head back to the street. “Go away,” I mutter.


“Go. Away.” I say, gritting my teeth. Does he not understand that I want to do this?

I hear him take a couple steps closer to me. “Cole… I- I don’t understand.”

I don’t respond. Does anybody ever understand? I’d stopped telling people about my problems a long time ago; they never understood. They always thought I was a moody, hormonal teenager who was overreacting to minor problems.

“Talk to me,” Luke’s voice cracks.

“I can’t do it anymore, Lu,” I say, calling him by his childhood nickname, still facing the street, talking with my mouth to the wind.

“Do what?”

“This! Live! All of it!” I burst out. “It’s too much.”

“Cole, please.” His voice is as raspy as mine. “Please, come back in. Talk to me. Don’t do this,” he steps closer to me, out of the hotel room and onto the balcony.

I blink, my eyes burning, and I can barley breathe. I’ve been planning this for a while, this is my only chance.

“I-I’m sorry, Lu,” I say, and take a step forward, letting go of the railing.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

No Duh

I found this piece of writing online, and I wanted to share it with you all, because we all feel this way sometimes!

This weekend I was told a story which, although I’m kind of ashamed to admit it, because holy crap is it ever obvious, is kind of blowing my mind.
A friend of a friend won a free consultation with Clinton Kelly of What Not To Wear, and she was very excited, because she has a plus-size body, and wanted some tips on how to make the most of her wardrobe in a fashion culture which deliberately puts her body at a disadvantage.
Her first question for him was this: how do celebrities make a plain white t-shirt and a pair of weekend jeans look chic?  She always assumed it was because so many celebrities have, by nature or by design, very slender frames, and because they can afford very expensive clothing.  But when she watched What Not To Wear, she noticed that women of all sizes ended up in cute clothes that really fit their bodies and looked great.  She had tried to apply some guidelines from the show into her own wardrobe, but with only mixed success.  So - what gives?
His answer was that everything you will ever see on a celebrity’s body, including their outfits when they’re out and about and they just get caught by a paparazzo, has been tailored, and the same goes for everything on What Not To Wear.  Jeans, blazers, dresses - everything right down to plain t-shirts and camisoles.  He pointed out that historically, up until the last few generations, the vast majority of people either made their own clothing or had their clothing made by tailors and seamstresses.  You had your clothing made to accommodate the measurements of your individual body, and then you moved the fuck on.  Nothing on the show or in Peoplemagazine is off the rack and unaltered.  He said that what they do is ignore the actual size numbers on the tags, find something that fits an individual’s widest place, and then have it completely altered to fit.  That’s how celebrities have jeans that magically fit them all over, and the rest of us chumps can’t ever find a pair that doesn’t gape here or ride up or slouch down or have about four yards of extra fabric here and there.
I knew that having dresses and blazers altered was probably something they were doing, but to me, having alterations done generally means having my jeans hemmed and then simply living with the fact that I will always be adjusting my clothing while I’m wearing it because I have curves from here to ya-ya, some things don’t fit right, and the world is just unfair that way.  I didn’t think that having everything tailored was something that people did. 
It’s so obvious, I can’t believe I didn’t know this.  But no one ever told me.  I was told about bikini season and dieting and targeting your “problem areas” and avoiding horizontal stripes.  No one told me that Jennifer Aniston is out there wearing a bigger size of Ralph Lauren t-shirt and having it altered to fit her.
I sat there after I was told this story, and I really thought about how hard I have worked not to care about the number or the letter on the tag of my clothes, how hard I have tried to just love my body the way it is, and where I’ve succeeded and failed.  I thought about all the times I’ve stood in a fitting room and stared up at the lights and bit my lip so hard it bled, just to keep myself from crying about how nothing fits the way it’s supposed to. No one told me that it wasn’t supposed to.  I guess I just didn’t know.  I was too busy thinking that I was the one that didn’t fit.
I thought about that, and about all the other girls and women out there whose proportions are “wrong,” who can’t find a good pair of work trousers, who can’t fill a sweater, who feel excluded and freakish and sad and frustrated because they have to go up a size, when really the size doesn’t mean anything and it never, ever did, and this is just another thing thrown in your path to make you feel crappy about yourself.
I thought about all of that, and then I thought that in elementary school, there should be a class for girls where they sit you down and tell you this stuff before you waste years of your life feeling like someone put you together wrong.
So, I have to take that and sit with it for a while.  But in the meantime, I thought perhaps I should post this, because maybe my friend, her friend, and I are the only clueless people who did not realise this, but maybe we’re not.  Maybe some of you have tried to embrace the arbitrary size you are, but still couldn’t find a cute pair of jeans, and didn’t know why.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Intro Pages

This is the cover page of my Wreck This Journal. It has since been edited some, and gotten destroyed in the process of destroying other pages. 
I added to it,and it also has water damage, which will be explained later. Some of the drawings on the back of the page bleed through.
This is the back of the page. The drawing with the stars and moon is the one that bled through onto the introduction page.

And this is the back of the other page, which also bleed through onto the back. I really like these pages. The water damage made it look tie-dyed, and it had a really cool effect. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Dark Knight Rises Shooting

My heart is heavy today.

Early this morning, during the premier of The Dark Knight Rises, a gunman entered a theater in Colorado, and killed twelve people and injured fifty- nine others. It's the deadliest shooting since the Fort Hood massacre in 2009. 

The gunman, identified as James Egan Holmes, entered the theater, and threw in a smoke bomb, and began to shoot when the moviegoers began to run.

Witnesses have said that at first, they assumed that it was part of the special effects, as the shooting happened during a scene with gunfire. He had kicked down an emergency door and entered the theater, carrying a shotgun and a rifle.  Holmes had apparently painted his hair red, and said he was "The Joker."

According to James Wilburn, a man who had been sitting in the second row of the affected theater, the shooter was dressed all in black, wearing a flack jacket and a gas mask. Wilburn and his friends dropped to the floor when they realized what was going on. “The shooter was only five or six feet away,” he says.

Once the shotgun was empty, Holmes calmly dropped it to the floor and started shooting with the riffle.

Naya Thompson, who was seeing the movie with her boyfriend, were running for their lives. She says that the gas spread quickly, and the gunman must have had a lot of it. "It was like a tear gas," Thompson told the newspaper. "I was coughing and choking and I couldn't breathe."

Jordan told the paper that one girl was struck in cheek, others in stomach including a girl who looked to be around 9-years-old. The youngest victim was about six years old. Jordan said it sounded like firecrackers until someone began yelling, "They're shooting out here!"

President Obama said he is "shocked and saddened" by the mass shooting and urged the nation to "come together as one American family." He said his administration will do everything it can to support the people of Aurora, Colo.

"As we do when confronted by moments of darkness and challenge, we must now come together as one American family," Obama said in a statement. "All of us must have the people of Aurora in our thoughts and prayers as they confront the loss of family, friends, and neighbors."

The police have released a statement from the family of the shooter, saying, "Our hearts go out to those who were involved in this tragedy and to the families and friends of those involved."
I can’t imagine what the victims, witnesses and families are going through. I’m in shock. My heart is heavy, and I’m praying for them.
This sounds cliché, but this just reminds me that tomorrow is never guaranteed. These people went to see a movie, and some of them aren’t coming out. I’ve messaged all my friends, telling them how much they mean to me. I can’t imagine what I would do if I got the call, telling me that any one of them had died.
It’s such a tragedy, and I will be keeping everyone in my prayers.
Xx, Nell

Monday, July 9, 2012

Take Two

Hello everyone!
Day 2 of Wreck This Journal. This is the cover of my journal now. I warned you. I said it didn't look anything like the first picture anymore.  I've drawn all over it in white- out, with song lyrics and doodles.

To Create is to Destroy

Hey guys! I got a Wreck This Journal a couple months back, and it's my summer goal to finish it. For those of you who don't know, the theme of the journal is to become creative by destroying the book. You do things such as take it in the shower, throw it from a high place, crack the spine,  spill coffee on it, write one word over and over, and  make a sudden, unpredictable movement with the journal. I've been working on it all summer, and it's a lot of fun.
I'm going to be posting my progress, showing pictures of different pages and telling what I did to them.
This picture to the left is my Wreck This Journal when it was brand spanking new.
I'm warning you... it doesn't look like this any more.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Scholarship Opportunisties

Hey ya’ll! So I’m filling out scholarship applications, and there’s a scholarship, where you get entered for every time someone registers on the website through you. For example, if three people register through me, I get three entries.

So if you can, click on this link, and register through there, You never even have to use the website again, just register, for me. :)

Here’s the link:

And make sure you use that link to register, or it doesn’t count for me.

Thanks, lovlies! :)

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I'm Always Writing a Story in My Head

Hey there!
In the past, I've been asked by people to see some of my writing. Well, today's your day. Here's a link to a site where I've put some of my writing. There are a couple short stories, and one of my novels.
If you go read, please tell me what you think! :)
Love, Nell <3


"Always be on the lookout for wonder."  -E.B. White

Summer 2012 :)

Hello, all you bloggers out there! It's summer! Schools out! No more homework, uniforms, classes. Only lemonade, staying up late and sleeping in, tans and friends are all that matter now.  I want this summer to be one I'll always remember, so I made a Summer Bucket List. I've gotten a lot of people to do this with me, so feel free to make your own! Here's mine!
1. Get tan
2. Meet someone new
3. Stay up for 24 hours straight
4. Get super fit
5. Watch the sunrise and sunset
6. Spend a day watching movies
7. Go to a concert
8. Tie dye
9. Bonfire
10. Make my own lemonade
11. Say “yes” to everything for a day
12. Stargaze
13. Photo bomb
14. Get a henna or airbrush tattoo
15. Make a summer playlist 
16. Sleep under the stars
17. Go on a boat
18. Go to the zoo
19. Have a picnic at the beach
20.  Have my official ‘summer 2012 song’
21. Eat nothing but healthy food for a week
22. Melt crayons on a canvas
23. Finish my scrapbook
24. Catch fireflies
25. Road trip
26.chalk color my hair
27. Get my face panted
28. Carve my initials in a tree
29. Order desert first
30. Message in a bottle \balloon
31. Get Ice cream from a truck
32. Play paint twister
33. Finish writing my book
34. Get my ear pieced a second time
35. S’mores
36. Go vegetarian for a day
37. Make food at 3AM
38. Cover my entire driveway in chalk
39. Eat at Red Robin
40. Mani-Pedi
41. Learn to French braid
42. Make a home movie
43. Two day sleepover
44. Play juice pong (like
 beer pong but with apple juice!)
45. Get my temps
46. Finish my wreck this journal
47. Build a fort
48. Go to a BBQ
49. Dye my hair
50. Take at least 1,000 pictures
51. Get a job
52. No regrets :)

What's on your Summer Bucket List, friends? I'd love to see it!

Monday, June 25, 2012


You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.

I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.

I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.
You should be happy. You are gorgeous.

I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?
You are alive.

Everything will be okay.

You Are More

Okay. There is something that bothers me. A lot. You know what I’m talking about. I’ve done it. You’ve done it. You’ve heard others do it before, and you’ll hear them do it again, probably soon.

Girls, I’m talking to you.

Putting yourself down.

You realize that when you call yourself ugly, that you’re insulting the Creator of the universe, correct? He created you, he made you in his own image. You were made in Jesus Christ’s image; therefore, when you insult yourself, you’re insulting Him.

You’re saying that His design isn’t perfect. You’re telling Him that he made a mistake. And that’s not true, because God is perfection.

He doesn’t make mistakes. When He created you, He didn’t cringe. There was no “whoops,” or “I’ll do better next time.” He didn’t try to improve you, or make you better. When he saw you, he said “It was good.” He was pleased. He was happy with His creation.

He loves you. Every time He hears you utter a word of hate towards yourself, His heart breaks. He wants you to feel beautiful. He wants you to love yourself.

Please, stop putting yourself down.

Everyday, I hear girls talking about their insecurities, their faults, mistakes, things they hate about themselves. It's horrifying. They put themselves down and express how ugly they feel or how they feel like they’re not good enough. And I don't understand why.

If you’ve been having to battle with insecurities such as your weight or looks, disregard anything anyone has ever told you, and listen to me:

 You are flawless.

Always remember, loves, You are alive. You're breathing, and you're safe and you're healthy.. That's more than a lot of people can say. People care about you. Your parents, your friends, me. It may not seem like it now, but it's true.

 If you’re someone that’s had to go through some tough times, and have turned to such actions such as this, let me just say:

 You’re worth so much more.

Because each and every one of you is precious. Yes. Precious. Precious to your family, your friends, to me. If you are insecure about your anything, please, please understand that who you are as a person shines right through whatever insecurity you have. Believe me. And if there’s an idiot in the world that can’t see it, let it go. They don't deserve to see your inner beauty.

If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you. My email is, my twitter is @nellasourausrex, and my tumblr is .

Feel free to send me messages, I’m more than willing to listen. I’m here for you.

And remember: You’re beautiful.

Love, Nell <3